


9 Crimes

by Hustler



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Adultery, Cheating, Depression, F/M, Guns, Infidelity, M/M, Rickyl, Trauma, Unrequited Love, Weapons, intended gun violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-10
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-17 05:19:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3516908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hustler/pseuds/Hustler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whatever it was between them was left frayed and vulnerable, to suffer the viciousness of cowardly neglect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [take_a_bow06](https://archiveofourown.org/users/take_a_bow06/gifts).



They’d never made it official. They didn’t use words to name what they were. Sometimes they went long periods of time before they could remember anything else other than survival, and look at each other with what was between them.

Walkers coming in from all sides, or human threats had them running and fighting. Their first priority was to protect their family, They were a little more possessive around a core group of them, but they always put every single person of the group first.

They didn’t get time to themselves, they didn’t get to slow down. If they did it was because they were dying, low on supplies, or just suffered an attack.

Daryl didn’t fight the routine they had to have. He threw himself into providing and protecting, out of love, but also out of fear. He was afraid of what it was they were becoming to each other. He was afraid of the words that needed to be said…or might not be returned. So, Daryl shied away from too much and blamed it on the reality they lived in, and Rick let him.

Whatever it was between them was left frayed and vulnerable, to suffer the viciousness of cowardly neglect.

Despite it all, they found their hands reaching for each other when checking wounds, and eyes desperately saying the words that couldn’t be said aloud. For all the emotion behind their actions, it could have been said they were the same with the rest of their family. That the way Rick’s blue eyes looked wild in rage when someone managed to stab Daryl, was the same look he got when Maggie jumped in front of bullet aimed at Glenn.

It wasn’t.

But no one knew that, and they even questioned it themselves.

Daryl hated himself for being so weak, and not just giving into something they both wanted, but he couldn’t and Rick didn’t push him.

They made it to Alexandria and it was getting to be too much, but Rick was strong for them all, and then he wasn’t.

Daryl felt out of control and subdued at the same time. He found peace knowing Carl and Judith had a better chance in Alexandria and did his best to ground himself for the rest of his family. They were all suffering and as Glenn had always said, they could only make it together. Then they split his family up and Carl was spending time with another boy, Rick acquainted with his mother.

She cut Rick’s hair when they first settled in. She was sweet and everything they hoped Alexandria was.  

* * *

They were pressuring them all to go that party, and Daryl had to try for his family. He had to try for Rick, because he felt he was on the verge of something. Closer to words he used to run from. He didn't make it. 

He spent time with Aaron. A man with everything Daryl could have had.

Everything he could have.

Everything Merle and his family had taught him to hate and destroy.

He couldn’t make it to the party, but Aaron got him to have dinner with him and his boyfriend. It felt right and there was a terrible knot in his chest that made it hard to breathe.

He could have this.

Aaron gave him his job and it was more than anything he could have ever imagined for himself. He could do it. He could do something that would actually do some good. He could contribute to this new home his family needed.  

Aaron and Eric walked him out with knowing looks and Daryl took strength from them.

He was ready.

He wanted it all.

He wanted Rick.  

* * *

Daryl went back to the house and did a better job of cleaning himself up than he did for the party and waited for Rick nervously, but eagerly. It had been a while since anything had happened between them, but Daryl still remembered it with perfect clarity, even if it was only a prolonged embrace. Tonight, he was ready for it all. For everything he and the fucking apocalypse had deprived them of.

Daryl waited in Rick’s bedroom. He’d never even slept it in. He had preferred to crash on the couch in case anyone ever broke in. He wanted to be the first thing in their way before they ever reached the kids.

He heard them enter the house quietly, but with happy chatter amongst themselves. By the time Rick was turning the doorknob to his bedroom, Daryl was sweating through his shirt. Rick immediately became aware of his presence and went into a defensive position.

“It’s me,” Daryl whispered.

Rick turned on the light and looked at Daryl in surprise.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t at the party,” Daryl said, fidgeting with his sleeves.

Rick smiled and closed his door. He looked at Daryl for a moment before turning the light back off. Daryl relaxed and smiled slightly in appreciation.

“It’s okay,” Rick said softly.

Daryl nodded and with the memory of Aaron and Eric still fresh in his mind he gathered all the courage he had.

He was shaking and never felt so damn scared in his entire life. “Rick, I want to be with you.”

Rick’s smile was blinding and he closed the distance between them.

“You want to be with me?” He asked deliriously happy, eyes crinkling.

“Yeah,” Daryl replied, heart in his throat.

* * *

Except that’s not how it happened.

Daryl didn’t wait in Rick’s bedroom, he waited outside the house and when Rick saw him he told his family to go on without him. Rick was wearing that ridiculous smile of his and he was in a good mood, and then he wrapped his arm around Daryl’s shoulders like he used to with Shane.

“I kissed Jessie,” he said proudly.

Daryl could faintly smell the alcohol in his breath. He excused himself from Rick and spent the night on the couch in the second house they had been given.

He was so stupid. His eyes were wet with the thought of what could have been. The morning after giving himself to Rick, waking up with him and hearing Rick whisper that he wanted him again.

Aaron saw him the next day and let him work in silence on the bike. Eric almost said something and then left him alone.

Daryl made himself scarce after that. He came to Rick and Carol’s secret meetings and kept an eye on his family, but he stayed in the shadows.

He saw Jessie every once in a while holding Judith, both of their blonde hair beautiful in the sun, Carl and her son bickering around them.  


	2. It's the Wrong Kind of Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I fucking caved and continued this fucking thing. Because I love my twin and music exists. This chapter is from Rick's pov. ENJOY HIM BEING A FUCKING ASSHOLE. I promise there will be rickyl reunion, you just gotta stick through all the Jessie moments.

_Daryl didn’t look at him anymore. Never asked for him._

 

* * *

 

Jessie was warm in his arms and only rarely did he feel an ache for something else, something lost. Only rarely.

New rules. New place. New face to kiss. So warm and so right. Another get-together to settle everyone into the community after the shakedown of reality. His arm wrapped around Jessie, Judith in her arms, and the boys laughing together. A community thriving around them.

Someone walked by and took a picture of them. It was startling to see how they all seemed to fit together. Mom and Dad, three sons and a baby girl. Judith looked like she could have been hers.

Something cold chilled him from the inside and suddenly he could see nothing but Lori’s features in their daughter’s face. In Carl’s face, Glenn’s invincible humanity, Michonne’s kindness, Lori’s beauty...and Daryl’s smirk.

No, his children could never be hers, but he desperately wanted them to be a family.

He was at ease finally having his way, protecting everyone in Alexandria the way he should have been from the start. He still thought about it sometimes, in bed after Jessie fell asleep. He should have taken over the moment they got there, conspired with Carol only and saved time and casualties.

Time passed and everyone took to their new roles and adjusted to the people. He saw less of his old family, spending his time with Jessie and the kids when he wasn’t working.

Michonne seemed quieter on patrol.

One day, the sound of an engine failed to drown out. Instead, Rick turned to look for the bike pulling in. He hadn’t seen Daryl in a long time, not properly. Something uneasy flooded his gut and he didn’t really know why. It drained the high he had after a good day and a good meal with his new family. It was a nauseating moment, endless. He only felt a slight relief when Daryl drove out of his sight, toward Aaron and Eric’s house.

A few days later Rick found himself unable to shake that feeling away when he was alone. He decided a day  outside the wall with Carl would be a good enough distraction.

“Can’t.” Was all he said when Rick asked him to go.

“Enid?”

“No,” Carl said with a sheepish smile. He looked caught up in a moment and the smile didn’t leave his face for a while. Finally, he shrugged out of it and cleared his throat. He didn’t look Rick in the eye when he explained.

“Daryl promised to show me how to put up bigger traps.” Carl continued filling his pack up with stuff Rick wasn’t paying much attention to. Carl’s face suddenly split into Daryl’s smirk.

“Says I’m strong enough to handle it now.”

“Another time then,” Rick replied.

Carl nodded, still avoiding Rick’s eyes.

Rick knew when his son was shutting him out. He spared them the awkwardness and walked into another room. It was a spare bedroom he hadn’t seen before. He looked around the well-kept furniture, shit he would have never been able to afford before and things that lost meaning a long time ago. An unsettling realization hit Rick, Jessie would need help cleaning and dusting the rooms.

How...domestic.  

* * *

 He ran into Carol a different day without meaning to. Finally back to her old clothes, fitted more to her, practical. Her eyes widened in surprise and quickly melted into recognition, though not as warm as they used to be, throwing Rick off.

They made small talk and Rick couldn’t help remember how much he missed her. He tried to invite her over for dinner in hopes of rekindling their recently salvaged friendship.

“Sorry, Daryl and I have plans.”

The way she said Daryl’s name stayed in his head all night, straight through dinner. Jessie put her hand over his on the dinner table and looked at him with sweet devotion. He smiled back, turned his hand over and brought hers to his lips for a kiss.

* * *

 “Is it out of the way? I don’t want to put you in any danger,” Jessie rubbed a hand down her cheek and to her neck, her knee dancing nervously as she looked at Daryl. Rick knew she was biting her lip, squinting an eye in that cute way of hers.

“Don’t worry about it. This ain’t the worst thing I’ve had to pick up.”

Jessie shifted her weight onto her jittery knee and it stopped, her back suddenly looser. “I heard about Jameson’s grill. I can’t believe he had you haul that thing back here!”

Daryl ducked his head down, shy, and Rick suddenly felt nostalgic. He found himself walking over slowly, afraid of...something. He couldn’t pinpoint what, but it was there, dragging his feet. It made him careful with how he stepped out of the shadows of the house.

A quick movement at the corner of his eye and he turned. He caught Daryl looking at him, bracing himself as if he were on the other side of a gun.

Rick almost stopped. It was all suddenly very wrong. Standing on a sidewalk, arm habitually wrapped around Jessie, outside their home. Daryl in his same old clothes, practically rags now, straddling his equally rugged looking bike.

The rumbling of the engine grated his ears, reminded him it was still on, upsetting him in a way he didn’t understand.  Before he knew it the conversation was over and Daryl was off again, Jessie still in his arms, happily waving at Daryl’s back.

 Jessie held his hand on the way back to the house and Rick could still hear the engine.

* * *

 They busied themselves with chores, Jessie content for the most part. Once in awhile she’d stop and Rick would look over at the sudden silence. A picture, or old possession of his would be the reason for her change in mood. He’d give her time, but after a while he’d take whatever it was from her hands and get rid of it.

She didn’t run to his arms, or thank him, but at the end of it all, when they were sitting side by side, her silence felt grateful and receptive.

“Do you want to take a walk with me?” Rick asked, head tilting towards her.

She smiled slowly and nodded ever so slightly. Rick returned the smile and stood up, offering his hand to her.

* * *

Daryl’s bike revved behind the gate when Rick and Jessie were out walking together. She grabbed his hand and led him to it, excited.

The gate opened and Daryl came in with a bag strapped to the back of his bike. Aaron and Glenn followed in Aaron’s car. Daryl pulled over to the side and let Aaron pass him when he saw Jessie.

Glenn and Aaron stared at him with meaningful glances and then continued on. Daryl quickly dug into his bag and held out a box for Jessie. She let go of Rick’s hand at the sight of it, looking back at him with a smile.

“Thank you!” She exclaimed, taking the box from Daryl.

Daryl gave a slight nod and muttered a few things Rick couldn’t quite hear. He hadn’t followed Jessie the last 5 feet she took to get to Daryl.

“I owe you, seriously.” Jessie continued. She placed a hand on Daryl’s shoulder and he almost flinched. Jessie noticed and gave him a slight squeeze and dropped her hand.

“Thank you,” she repeated more quietly and waited until he looked up at her. Daryl nodded again and closed his pack. Subtly, Daryl looked over at Rick through the hair falling into his face. Rick’s heart broke out into a sprint and a sensation washed over him. Daryl looked away quickly and he was off before Rick could process what had happened. 

* * *

 “He’s such a nice guy,” Jessie said for the fourth time that night. “Who knows where he even found it, and the trouble he probably went through. Rick, we have to invite him to dinner or something.” Jessie finished placing the plates and crossed her arms. She leaned on the wall behind her and watched Rick set the cutlery. “I bet he’s always been the sweet type. Don’t know if people ever gave him the chance to show it.”

Rick set down the last knife. A heavy feeling settled over his heart. Of course she noticed. Memories of what he had picked up on, things Daryl had actually told him, confessed in quiet private moments, rushed at him. A history Rick would never understand, but one Jessie lived herself.

“Did you know him before?” Jessie asked, small and hopeful.

Did you help him too?

“No.” Rick answered. A lump in his throat, something sharp and thick like guilt circling inside.

“Met him after.”

Jessie didn’t move or say anything, but his skin prickled and he could feel the change in her presence. She wasn’t facing him anymore, yet it felt like she was taking a peek underneath his skin. A sudden reflex from the outside snapped through him and he wanted to scare her away. He hated himself as soon as he felt his muscles ready to glide into something intimidating and animalistic, the predator he had become.

He moved away as subtly as he could and looked into her innocent eyes. Instantly, the monster inside receded, uninterested and not threatened by someone with as much taint as his own daughter. She knew nothing, she didn’t deserve to.

Her patience further calmed him and reminded him they were having a normal conversation, a little intimate for him and not something he was great at. Lori had tried. Still, Jessie wasn’t trying to find a kink in his armor, only reaching out and hoping to connect even more. She wanted that, he could tell.

“He kept us alive.” Rick physically couldn’t say anything more. The stoic blank he usually drew when forced to talk was replaced with a mess of  thoughts all screaming Daryl.

Carl walked in with Judith in his arms and the noise came down a level, only to take in his son’s steadily growing height, Lori’s litheness and unbreakable strength. His baby girl jubilant and properly fed.

He almost lost them the chance to have this, several times. His children wouldn’t be here today without the group. He owed them all, and he owed one man in particular, more than he could ever repay. A man who walked through hell with Rick since it all began and brought them home.

Rick was thankful Sam came in soon after and Jessie was distracted getting the kids in line while Rick brought out their dinner. He was disconnected all throughout the night, not unlike his last meals with Lori and Carl. 

* * *

Rick spaced out for the fourth time during their conversation, but Jessie didn’t even look upset.

“I’m sorry,” Rick pleaded, reaching for her hand.

She shook her head and held his hand. There wasn’t a trace of judgement or hurt in her eyes, unlike Lori’s wrath and Daryl’s interventions. Rick rubbed his thumb over her hand in thought. She hadn’t raised her voice to him since before her husband had died, at anyone or anything, really. 

* * *

Michonne was halfway through patrol when the gates opened and commotion exploded into their home as Aaron sped through, driving Daryl’s bike, Daryl behind him, hunched over awkwardly.

“Help!” Aaron shouted over the bike. Carol shot out of one of the houses and Michonne joined her. They made it just as Aaron killed the bike.

“What happened?” Carol asked, trying to keep calm.

“We were overrun. Car’s gone, I don’t know if he’s bit. I don’t know!”

They quickly pulled Daryl off the bike. Michonne tried not to linger on the fact that he was out cold, soaked in blood. More people started coming out to investigate and gawk. She and Carol shared a look, Michonne knew what she had to do. Her heart ached as she called over Glenn who broke into a run at the sight of them.

“Help them. Please,” Michonne paused, looking into Glenn’s eyes with everything running through her mind, “make sure he’s okay.”

“I will.” Glenn confirmed and grabbed onto Daryl helping them carry him away.

Michonne took a deep breath and immediately went to the crowd to calm them and assure them of their safety. Maggie and Deana showed up soon and helped clear out the people. 

* * *

Rick picked up one of Carl’s comics and wondered if one day Carl would start making his own. He finally had the chance to have a hobby and hone a skill that had nothing to do with survival, something of his own. Something that could make him happy.

Jessie was visiting a few friends and the boys had left a long time ago. Sam had come back for lunch, but Rick hadn’t seen Carl since the morning. He assumed he was with Enid. That left him alone in a house he was becoming too familiar with, drowning in emotions he hadn’t been able to clear out. He avoided mirrors for the rest of the day. 

* * *

The next morning he saw Carl run out the door before Rick even finished making breakfast. Jessie walked in, fuzzy with sleep and Judith in her arms. She barely registered Rick’s concern, but tried her best to understand though she hadn’t properly woken up yet.

When they went out for their afternoon walk and saw Enid on her own and Carl’s friends hanging out, without Carl in sight, Jessie finally looked back at him with equal worry. They returned back home and immediately went to her sons, hoping they knew anything.

The doorbell rang, giving Rick a moment of panic and utter confusion until he remembered what a doorbell was and what it meant. He checked the peephole and relaxed when he saw it was Deana on the other side.

“Hello, Rick,” Deana greeted him.

Rick stepped back and let her enter. “What can I do for you?” Rick asked.

Deanna smiled at him in that peculiar way of hers and then sighed, dropping her guard. She closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead.

“It doesn’t get easier, does it?” She asked, worn and hopeless.

“What?”

“Dealing with them, the walkers. The attacks.”

“Attacks?” Rick asked, body already moving into position. Jessie, Judith, and her sons could stay in the attic. He could barricade them until he got everything under control. He needed to find Carl.

Deana opened her eyes and searched Rick’s face. She stared at him, shocked and then walked closer to him.

“Daryl and Aaron were in an accident outside. I thought you knew. Everyone was over there yesterday, your son included.”

“What?”

His heart shot off like a gun in his chest and for a moment everything went silent. The back of his calves burned, his feet dug into the front of his boots, knees bending with the intention to run. He latched onto the sight of Deana. Her people couldn’t see him run from one side of Alexandria to the other.

“Rick?”

“Excuse me,” Rick said, and left as calmly as he could.

With determination he made it to the infirmary without calling attention to himself. A tremor went through his hand when he finally put his hand on the doorknob. He took a deep breath and opened the door. Only to find the room empty.

It was dark and very obviously undisturbed. Once his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he noticed a faint glow at the end of the hall, and then the low hum of voices reached his ears. He began to head towards the light when he heard a door open and the light bloomed into the hall.

“Remember, you promised you’re coming over Tuesday night.” That was Eric’s voice. “You’re coming over. I don’t want to hear it. And, Glenn-”

“Don’t worry, for the next week, Daryl and I are going to be lunch buddies,” Glenn said.

“I’m fine. Doc cleared me, it’s not a big deal.”

“Your vitals-” Aaron began, only to be interrupted by Carol.

“No, he’s right,” Carol said in a firm voice, a muffled sound from Eric briefly interrupted her, but Carol continued, “It wasn’t that bad. So, there’s no reason you can’t have lunch with Glenn, or miss dinner.”

“Can I leave?” Daryl asked, voice splintering with exasperation. Rick almost ran to his rescue, knowing Daryl was a second away from a melt down.

“Good idea, Eric and I have some things to do,” Aaron said quickly, emerging from the room and pushing Eric out with him.

They stopped at the sight of him and then sheepishly greeted him, but they didn’t make any sign of staying. They left with a few looks over their shoulders. Carol and Glenn appeared next, with Daryl behind them, adjusting his vest.

“Rick!” Glenn exclaimed in surprise.

Daryl very suddenly stilled and found Rick’s eyes in a frighteningly short amount of time.

“I- Deana told me there was an accident,” Rick said. _Coward._

Glenn’s momentary sympathy faded, and his normally kind eyes hardened. “Yesterday,” Glenn said.  

Daryl let go of his vest and held onto his crossbow. Carol looked Rick over with that cold look again, only thawing when they locked eyes for a moment.

_I should have been here. I should have been there when it happened._

Carol seemed to read him. She gave a small nod and stepped aside. She turned back to Daryl and placed her hand on his shoulder.

“You know where to find me,” she said, and then left.

Glenn looked ready to say something, give Rick something he deserved, but he walked past them both.

With Daryl standing in front of him, straining to hold himself up, it was impossible to stop the guilt that enveloped him. The weary droop of Daryl’s eyes, and sickly color of his face, were stabs to Rick’s chest. God only knew what was under Daryl’s clothes. There was no way to deny the reality and severity of the situation.

Daryl didn’t spare him another second and continued to walk past him. Rick ducked his head down in shame. He should have known. Back out there, they were all parts of a well-oiled, merciless machine. Anyone got hurt, they all felt it, and they all suffered for it in many different ways.

Rick hadn’t felt a single thing. He’d just been moseying about that day. He felt disoriented watching Daryl walk away. He once knew that body as well as his own.

“I didn’t know,” Rick said pathetically, quietly into the room.


	3. and I've got no excuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it got longer so I had to break it into 2 more chapters. there might be another one too IDFK. if it helps the ending is written. sorry about the formatting too, it's not me. the fucking thing won't let me fix it.  
> 

“I didn’t know,” Rick said pathetically, quietly into the room. 

Daryl stopped, anger suddenly animating his body. He turned, unaffected by his injuries. Rick flinched at the carelessness with which he was throwing his weakened body. More guilt burned through him reminding him he had no right to criticize.  

“Yeah,” Daryl said, throwing his arm angrily in his direction, “you didn’t.”

Rick swallowed, trying to come up with anything to say, anything at all. But there was no excusing his neglect that crossed over betrayal a long time ago. It wasn’t the time to apologize, he would never be able to rightfully do so, but he opened his mouth anyway.

“I-”

Daryl sneered at him and cut him off.

“This? This isn’t the first time. Me, Glenn, Sasha. It didn’t bother you before, why should it bother you now?”

It kept piling on and on, his legs started to feel unsteady. With each name Rick felt ice-hot stabs in the center of his chest. Something sharp slid in along his spine.

“Glenn and Sasha?”

A look he hadn’t seen in years crossed Daryl’s face and then something darker, something that made Rick’s blood run cold. In the most unsettling voice Rick had ever heard come from Daryl, he said, “Go home, Rick,” and walked right out the door leaving Rick alone in the empty building.

The silence was eerie and the fading sun, ominous. There in the dark Rick was alone. An old self-inflicted wound throbbed and ached, trying to ooze through. He couldn’t stay, the dark was watching him.

Walking back to Jessie’s house felt like a walk of shame. How long ago was it that he lived with the rest of his family? He never even thought about it, leaving them, he just bulldozed through everything until he had what he wanted.

What happened to Glenn? Sasha?

Fragmented memories of bandages peeking from underneath jackets and shirts, and limping gaits that he barely registered on his walks with Jessie assaulted his mind.

Oh god.

How much had he been ignorant to? What had he turned away from?

He stood in front of Jessie’s house - their - house. The lights were on. He looked back at the direction where the rest of his family still lived. Glenn, Carol, Michonne…Daryl. The moment he walked in Jessie was there, but all Rick could see was that Carl was gone again.

“Where’s Carl?” Rick asked, talking over Jessie.

“He’s in his room,” Jessie said exasperated. Ron watched them from the corner.“Rick, what the hell happened? Is everyone okay? How’s Daryl? Deanna said-”

Rick barely processed the pain in Jessie’s eyes and walked right up the stairs heading for Carl’s room. On his way up he heard Jessie and Ron whisper heatedly downstairs. Rick walked into Carl’s room without knocking. Carl turned from his window, Judith in his arms, and glared at him.

“What?” Carl asked, before looking away again.

A vestigial instinct to reprimand Carl flared before extinguishing very passively. Rick was mad, unrightfully so, but he couldn't understand why Carl didn’t tell him.

“Why didn’t you tell me Daryl was in an accident?”

“He told me not to.”

Rick’s ire flickered, a flame withering away. His voice was small when he asked, “He told you not to tell me?”

“No, he said not to tell anyone. He didn’t want more people bothering him if he could help it.”

Sharp, vicious stings littered his chest. Not so long ago there was a time anyone wouldn’t have applied to him, and it had nothing to do with survival and the necessity to have access to one another for the sake of the group. No, it went deeper than that. Once, Daryl’s _alone_ meant Rick at his side.

Carl looked back at him. “Half the town saw them come in. Everyone knows.” His eyes narrowed,  stare blatantly judging him for being the only one unaware of yesterday’s events. Then his face went blank and he faced the window again. “If Daryl and Aaron were overrun we have to get these people ready for what’s coming.”

Not a trace of empathy in his voice. Rick looked his son over again.

“I’ll put Judith to bed.” Carl said, dismissing Rick.

Rick once again took his cue and left Carl. 

* * *

Carl was right, they needed to prepare the people, the town. Outside of his group, none of them were ready for what it could turn into. First, they needed to know how bad it was...if it was too far gone it would be useless trying to hold the place up. Rick hoped for his children that it wouldn’t come to that.

He walked that morning in uniform towards Deanna’s with the intent to get shit done. He knocked and it took a while for someone to answer. Maggie was on the other side. She looked surprised and then shook her head and rubbed her forehead with a sigh.

“Rick, of course,” She said tiredly. She gestured for him to follow her. “Glad you’re here. We’re getting ready to go on a run, check out the herd that Daryl and Aaron ran into.”

Rick looked at her in question. “It’s already planned? Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“It wasn’t intentional, things just escalated. We were going to come to you today and talk it out. We spent yesterday taking stock and reinforcing what we could. I sent Michonne with a group to scout ahead, try to get an idea of the size of it. The town was pretty shaken up yesterday too, couldn’t leave them like that.”

Maggie led him to the living room crammed with almost forty people, Daryl among them. Rick almost sent him back to the house to rest, when he remembered he had no right to make that call. The challenging look in Daryl’s eyes told him Daryl was just waiting for him to say something. Even when they were outside Daryl never rested. He was always providing for them somehow.

Though he'd been the last one to arrive or know of the situation at all, it didn't take long before Rick took control and planned out their strategy.

With everyone on board, they all met up with Michonne’s group and she led them to the biggest herd of walkers they had ever seen. A part of Rick had always known, but now it was impossible to deny, Alexandria was going to fall. It was only a matter of time. Their plan was a temporary band aid over a gaping wound. Everything they fought and sacrificed over, the future of his children, all ticking down. He turned to his right without thinking, looking for Daryl, for that comfort and council he never failed to convey in a quiet stare.

Daryl wasn’t there.

Daryl was talking strategy for his part of the plan with Michonne and Morgan, completely unaware of Rick and his despair. 

* * *

Rick walked down the path quickly. His part of the plan had gone off without a hitch and if the others hadn’t had any trouble, they were going to meet up soon. The sudden roar of Daryl’s bike somewhere to his left made his heart race. Rick reported to Michonne and then heard Daryl do the same. Sasha and Glenn were silent.

“Do you want me to turn back?” Daryl asked.

“No, we need to keep moving.” Rick interrupted.

“I was asking Michonne.” Daryl snapped back. “She was at their station last.”

“I got it, Daryl. Get Rick and meet us at the last point.” Michonne answered.

Rick’s heart stopped. He was supposed to ride with Sasha. If Daryl was getting him that meant he’d be riding _with_ Daryl on his bike. Rick waited for Daryl’s confirmation and cringed when he could hear his reluctance.

The engine was getting louder, Daryl was close. Rick looked over his shoulder and swallowed. Daryl looked like he wanted to be anywhere else, with anyone else. He moved to the side and looked down at his boots while he waited for him. When he pulled up Rick didn’t get a chance to stall or dwell.

“Rick, Daryl!” Michonne shouted through their radio. “Get here now! We need help!”

Rick jumped on and before he even got an arm around Daryl they were driving back towards the rest. With the distraction of getting to the others,they didn't notice how they molded their bodies to one another. For a moment it was just the two of them with the single goal of protecting their family, like it used to be. Rick felt invincible and his doubts of Alexandria's survival disappeared. They could make it, they could keep their people safe. Why couldn't they? They knew what it took to survive in this world. Why did it have to be more of the same? But the moment was short-lived and lost once Michonne called in.

“We got it under control, let’s keep it moving," She said, voice ragged and relieved.

“You okay?" Daryl asked immediately.

"Yeah, don't worry about it." Michonne replied.

Glenn and Sasha?” Daryl asked and Rick could feel the tension in his body as he waited for an answer.  

Glenn's tired voice came in, "Right here."  Rick couldn't help but let out a sigh and he almost rested his forehead against Daryl's shoulder before stopping himself.

“Here. Thank you, Daryl.” Sasha chimed in afterwards.

Daryl's shoulders sagged against him for a second, “Alright, on our way,” he said.

As soon as they were on back in the right direction, Daryl's body went rigid very quickly against Rick. The bike sped up. Rick wasn't stupid, he knew Daryl was trying to get him off his bike as quickly as he could. They no longer had anything to distract them of their proximity and current shift in their relationship. He tried not to touch him where he didn’t need to, but it was impossible. His heart was banging against his ribs and he knew it wasn’t the danger, or the momentary fear he felt at having thought they lost more of their family. It was having Daryl against his chest. They’d never been so close and after all this time it was in vain. All the nights Rick had put at the back of his mind, spent yearning for anything close to this, flashed before him and crumbled. Daryl felt more than guarded, like an anxious animal ready to snap. Shame crawled down Rick’s back again intertwined with the most painful regret he had ever known.

He lost them something they had.  

He felt intrusive as he involuntarily committed every detail of Daryl to his memory. His hair was a lot fuller and softer than Rick had imagined. He could feel bandages cushioned between their bodies and the worry came back full force. How injured was he? How much was it taking him to hold himself up right now and be the strength they needed? Had he always been that small around the waist? Or was that a recent development? He was firm and taut in places where Rick was soft and vice versa. His body was a contrast to every single part of Rick’s. They were completely different and yet, they fit together in a way that made that regret grow and grow into an unbelievable, hopeless longing.

Rick startled and refrained from grabbing onto Daryl harder when he suddenly shouted, “Carl will hold down your house and Carol and Maggie can handle shit if anything goes down!” Daryl turned his head towards him after a while, “All we gotta worry about is this right here. We’ve done worse.”

Though Rick could hear the effort it took Daryl to reassure him like he used to he appreciated it more than he could ever say.

The first stage of the plan had been executed successfully and it brought them some time before they had to find a way to properly get rid of the walkers. It provided Rick the opportunity to see more of Daryl over the course of their progress.

It was hard not to notice the things that made him look twice before. When Daryl wasn’t aware of Rick, and he was with their group, their family, the sight he made was overwhelming. Daryl stood strong among them, an even greater evolution of the man he was at the prison.

He was breathtaking.

Somehow he had allowed the revelation to get buried under everything else. He could remember being taken by surprise every time at how much the man continued to raise the bar, continued to inspire Rick. Amongst the dead, the deaths, setbacks, blood, and human filth, there was Daryl making it bearable one more day. And in their world that meant everything. Back then he did his best to let him know how much he appreciated him.

Now, their bond felt irreparable. He wasn’t allowed to look up close. He could, only Daryl would shut off every brilliant ray of light to him. They communicated better than when they met, but it was like the last six years together had never happened.  


	4. leave me out with the waste

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo as I warned on my tumblr, this is the chapter that goes a little spooky. Porque se me dio la gana. Climax is coming up next chapter (it's already written). I don't know when I'll update cuz I'm working a lot now. Sorry y'all.

He wasn’t sleeping so well anymore. Ever since he started spending more time with Daryl he was unable to stay asleep for more than a few hours. For the past few nights It’d been taking him two hours longer to knock out and it was surprising to note that it took Jessie almost as long. With his brain newly wired to take in everything around him, he was very doubtful that he wouldn’t have noticed before. But what if he hadn’t?

Rick had been in bed for almost two hours and a half, trying not to think. Jessie shifted on his right. Thunder rumbled outside and he suddenly thought of Daryl’s bike. He curled into his side, facing away from Jessie, and fell into old memories.

Jessie moved again and Rick felt warmth leave his side and the cool sting of air. The floorboard creaked and Rick turned slowly. Jessie was up and walking across the room, lighting flashed and illuminated her blonde hair and thin figure. In another flash she was gone from the room.

Rick’s gut had him getting out of the bed as quietly as he could. He tried to listen for Jessie but the rain and thunder kept obscuring his hearing. He made it to the doorway and carefully looked out into the hall. She was near the staircase, hand on the railing, head facing the other end of the hall.

Rick waited for her next move, still deciding to remain unknown. Her head swiveled down for a moment and then lazily picked itself up again, facing the dark. His gut told him to get back in bed and pretend he hadn’t seen her, but his heart pushed him to go to her, and then he heard her.

The smallest whimper and then a sob and she walked into the darkness.

Rick stepped back into the room as fast as he could, heart beating fast and hard. He got back in bed and counted the time Jessie was out there. He heard her at the doorway about an hour before he normally woke up.  His body went into complete alert, listening as she quietly walked up to the bed. He was starting to sweat. She didn’t get in for a while, but when she did, she settled back into her side easily.

The next morning she woke Rick up like usual, nothing out of the ordinary.

That day Rick watched her, looking for all the other things he might have missed. Her smile was sweet and playful as always, and her body was receptive to contact from anyone. She was thoughtful and patient and always willing to set down whatever she was doing when she was needed. The fact that she never raised her voice, always present at the back of his head as he observed her. She was pleasant and very dedicated to the children and the house. Her art was ignored.

Before Rick knew it he had a bit of patrol to get through before he went back out to help with the herd. He was ready to work and get back to Daryl and the others, but something told him to check on Jessie one more time.

Just as he made it to the house he saw a figure in the window watching him. Light was glaring off the surface and it was hard to make out who it was for a moment. Rick kept walking and he was able to see, Ron with his blond hair in his face, expressionless. Rick mustered up a smile and waved, and it was like Ron had been jump started. His chest expanded very suddenly and he darted further into the house.

Rick frowned, but before he could get to the house and figure out what had caused such a reaction in Ron, Michonne called him over.

“Come on, Sasha is already out there.”

Rick put Ron and Jessie at the back of his mind and followed Michonne out.

“Are you happy, Rick?” Michonne asked, catching him off guard.

Rick looked at her in question, but she continued to stare at him waiting for an answer.

“Where is this coming from?” He asked. He was very uncomfortable with the the topic and the way she was looking at him, almost as if she knew what he was discovering piece by piece.

Michonne sighed and looked ahead as they walked. “Things changed very quickly since we found Alexandria. It changed a lot for you, and you changed this place. Dust hasn’t even settled yet, don’t know if it ever will.” Michonne paused and looked back at him. “So was it worth it?”

“Anything is worth my children having a future,” he said firmly, cowardly redirecting the subject of the conversation. “And now these people’s children will have a future as well.”

Michonne nodded and left him alone for the rest of their walk.

 

* * *

 

Rick spent most of his day apart from Daryl. Like it’d been outside, they broke the group up and Rick, Daryl, and Michonne each took smaller groups out.

But when his muscles burned and his threshold was wearing thin, Daryl wasn’t there to diffuse the tension. Things weren’t going as fast as he wanted them to be and the people of Alexandria kept holding them back. He was losing it. They were completely useless and his people kept slowing down to help them, teach them what they should have learned by now. This wasn’t the time to be neighborly, their future depended on them pulling through and getting rid of the threat.

Rick had enough and ripped a machete out of someone’s hand and shoved it into Sasha’s.

“What’re you doing?” Sasha asked stepping into Rick’s face before he was able to walk away.

Rick grit his teeth and grunted out,“They’re setting us back. We don’t have time-”

“Hey, we’re doing just fine. Why don’t you take a moment,” Sasha said firmly, eyes trailing over to a tree.

Rick stared at her, debating whether or not if he should argue. Why? He didn’t know. Everything was just too much and he couldn’t come down from whatever it was that he had gotten worked up into. Everyone was loud and jarring, the sun blistering hot and everything was wrong.

“Rick, go take a break.”

Rick finally turned to walk away and Sasha sighed and muttered something under her breath. Rick stopped. She said Daryl’s name. Sasha didn’t notice him and gave the machete back to the guy that had been using it.

Rick sat underneath the tree and though it had quite a bit of shade, he felt the heat swallowing him whole as he watched the group work. They were going to ruin everything. These people were useless and it was stupid of him to think Alexandria was their solution. The most they could ever live up to was walker bait-

“Rick.”

Rick turned, hand going to his knife and then stopped when he saw Daryl.

Daryl worried his lip as he looked down at him and then he looked toward the group.

“We’re all done, came by to see if y’all needed more hands.”

Rick smirked, holding back the burst of hysterical laughter he could feel coming on. Daryl looked at him again and his fine brow came down in question.

Daryl shoved a water bottle in his face before he could answer. “Drink.”

Rick looked at the water bottle in awe. The sweat on his back finally started to chill his heated skin and the group faded out even more.

“Goddamnit, Rick.” Daryl hissed and unscrewed the bottle and pressed the wet top against his lips.

Rick stayed completely still, his dry lips instantly absorbing the drops of water resting against the plastic. He couldn’t believe Daryl was here and giving him his water. The bottle left his lips and a rough hand settled over his forehead and he heard Daryl curse. A wet rag was pressed against his face and then the bottle was returned to his mouth.

“Drink,” Daryl said again and tipped the bottle back and Rick opened his mouth. His eyes closed and he lost himself in the sensation of the water soothing his parched throat. The plastic crunched for a second and then the bottle was moving upwards, he followed it until the last drops. He opened his eyes and Daryl’s face came into view.

“You look like you’re seeing shit again.” Daryl said and then pushed at his shoulder. “Lie down, we got this covered.”

Rick went down easily and watched Daryl walk away. 

 

* * *

 

Rick didn’t really know how he made it back home, but he remembered Daryl’s winged vest, Sasha’s disapproving stare, and Jessie’s surprised voice.

He fell asleep pretty easily and only woke up when he felt Jessie leave the bed and come back hours later. He slept through most of the morning and when he properly woke up he touched his hand to his lips and remembered how Daryl had taken care of him. An ache burned in his heart and he pulled the blankets tight around himself.

That morning it wasn’t Jessie who set off his alarms, but Sam.

Jessie was with Ron in his room and Carl had disappeared as soon as he saw Rick. He and Sam sat the table eating a late breakfast. Rick was holding Judith and carefully feeding her some fruit. Sam was real quiet as he stared out the patio door. A squirrel was strewn across their floor outside, insides out and messy.

“They don’t come back.” Sam stated. He turned around and for the first time Rick noticed the numb and eerie look in the boy’s eyes.

“Have you noticed the animals don’t come back? Only we come back as monsters.” Sam suddenly looked down at Judith. “I guess we’re born monsters.”

Rick stared at the boy in horror. His mind raced and he didn’t know what to do. He knew he was supposed to do and say something more, but all he could do was respond with the truths he had been told.

“Sam, no. It’s an infection that only affects humans,” He said softly, holding Judith tighter into his chest.

Sam finally looked away from Judith and hummed to himself before going out and staring at the squirrel.

Rick left the house with Judith after that to get some air. To his surprise Daryl was walking over to him. He couldn’t contain his excitement and relief. Flashbacks of them caring for Judith together cleansed him of the morbid moment he had with Sam.

Daryl seemed more hesitant with every step that brought him closer to Rick. His face fell when he looked down at Judith.

“She’s getting big,” Daryl said, his eyes sad as he looked at her. Daryl cleared his throat as Judith started to struggle in Rick’s arms, trying to get closer to him.

“Do you want to hold her?” Rick asked.

Daryl took a step back, “Just came to tell you that we’re moving out earlier tomorrow.”

Rick nodded and tried to distract Judith. He desperately wanted to tell Daryl everything that was happening, but he knew that part of their relationship was over. Instead, he compensated by dragging out their interactions with anything he could. He managed to carry the conversation for the both of them until they were talking about something else completely.Savoring all of what Daryl gifted him with.

“We’ll go out there sometime and I’ll show you,” Rick said.

Rick suddenly felt like a liar with the disbelieving look Daryl was hiding as he continued to study his crossbow. His jaw began to tick nervously, almost like it was punishing him for opening his mouth. He felt like a jackass. Daryl looked like he wanted to bolt and go on without ever talking to him again.

Rick stood there trying to come up with something to say or do, but all he felt was awkward tension, and loss. He almost apologized as he left, but he got a sudden electric jolt of warning, and knew it would have been wrong somehow.

Rick laid awake replaying the moment he had with Daryl. Its awkwardness clawed at his gut, and something whispered insidious things in his ears until he fell asleep. He didn’t wake when Jessie left the bed again.

 

* * *

 

Rick was on his way out to help when he heard voices coming from Carl’s room. Tension itched up his spine and he knew something wasn’t right. He walked over quietly to look through the open crack of the door.

“Please, it needs to be you,” Ron said, out of Rick’s view. Ron moved forward and Rick could see a gun in his hand. He put the gun in Carl’s hand.“Just like your dad killed mine. Do it.”

Rick gripped the doorway, ready to burst in, waiting for the right moment.

Carl weighed the gun in his grip, finger curling around the trigger. “Why?” He asked, voice indifferent.  

“I’m not going to make it out there. We both know those walls are going to come down sooner or later.”

Carl stared between Ron’s eyes, his target. “You’d do that to her?”

“What?”

“Leave your mom like that. To find your body, head blown open, bleeding all over your room. She’d blame herself, you know.” 

Rick pulled back and his body sagged with the hidden pain in his son’s voice.

Carl took his finger off the trigger and unloaded the gun carefully, putting the bullets in his pocket.

“She doesn’t deserve that.” Carl said, turning away from the crying boy.

 

* * *

 

Dinner was  like an out of body experience. With the haze lifted from his eyes he could finally see what he had traded everything for.

A table of monsters that he had forced into creation.

Jessie a vengeful spirit, walking through rooms, through walls, and years and years of pain. Volatile when the lights were off, haunting her house, unable to move on. Sam like something reborn, a sacrifice that came back obscene and wrong.  Ron, a walker waiting to happen.

And his son, Carl, the lone wolf biding his time with the other monsters until he decided to pick them off, one by one. There was no loyalty in his eyes when he looked at them, just tolerance. And Rick sat at the head of the table. The ugliest of all.

 


	5. give my gun away when it's loaded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone that stuck it out with me and this fic. It has been such a ride. Thank you for all your support. Enjoy!
> 
> HAPPY ANNIVERSARY [take_a_bow06](http://archiveofourown.org/users/take_a_bow06/pseuds/take_a_bow06)

There was an ever present wave sweeping over them, sometimes crashing over them with the new, solidifying their losses and numbing their ache for one another. Sometimes it washed over them with all they were before, as if nothing had ever happened.

It was tempting to fall into either one, but this was Rick’s punishment. To feel the damage he had done and get glimpses of what it was like, what it wasn’t. A gut turning limbo that would one day settle and Rick was afraid of what it would result in.

Daryl kept his distance.

He needed to fix it before the walls came down. If he was stupid enough to wait until they were out there again, Daryl would never believe him. But first, he needed to deal with Jessie and dismantle the macabre parody of family they had.  

Rick entered the house and he felt shame at having ever called it home. He looked for Carl, hoping to catch him first, but he wasn’t home. Jessie was in the living room staring out the windows with a vacant expression. She was still as beautiful as Rick had believed the first day he met her, only now he was able to see beyond his infatuation.

Her hair looked thinner and duller, the sweet lines in her voice looked ragged and painful, and her shoulders looked gaunt and sharp. Her eyes, her beautiful eyes, were filled with death. She didn’t deserve this. Any of this.

Rick knocked on the entryway and her eyes moved to his, but her body remained still.

“I need to talk to you.”

* * *

Jessie only cried once and the tears stopped very quickly. It hurt to see a little relief in her eyes. Rick hadn’t meant to hurt so many people. He never imagined any of it would have lead to this. It was when she agreed to talk to Carol and Denise or possibly Gabriel, that her pain began to surface. When it was over, the vacant expression returned, but he held her and waited until she let go.

“We’ll be out by tonight.”

Rick stepped away and paused at the doorway. “This doesn’t change anything. You need anything, anything at all, don’t hesitate.”

“I’m going to miss Judith and Carl.” Jessie said as he took a step. He paused and turned back to her.

“Could I…”, she began to ask and then stopped and covered her mouth.

“It’s okay, you can tell me.” Rick encouraged her.

“Could I still look after her sometime? Maybe in a week or two?” Jessie rubbed at her eye and let out a small, sorrowful laugh.  “I got used to seeing her face every morning.”

“Of course.”

Rick found Carl at the staircase and wondered when and how he’d gotten in. He was unreadable but Rick knew he was waiting for him to confirm it.

“Pack your things.”

Carl didn’t smile, didn’t say anything, but he turned and walked right into his room. A second later Rick heard the drawers. For once, in a long time, he was sure he did right by Carl.

* * *

They were alone, waiting for the rest of the group to meet up for the next plan of attack. Rick was sure he’d seen some of the otheres heading towards Daryl earlier, but no one else was there. He knew Alexandria wouldn’t be able to spare another minute from here on out and that moments like these would be unlikely. Things were going to either go forward at a constant speed or fall apart. It was now or never.

Daryl didn’t move or turn to look at him, but the rigid lines of his body told Rick that Daryl knew exactly what he was going to bring up.

“Daryl,” Rick said softly.

Rick licked his lips and leaned forward trying to get Daryl to face him. It hurt to be close to him and still have that rift between them.

“Daryl,” Rick began again, “I-”

“We both moved on.” Daryl said with finality.  

Rick’s courage wavered for a moment, Daryl’s words a cold, serrated  knife gouging his heart.  He did this to them, he reminded himself. He deserved everything, every ounce of pain.

Still, he needed to tell him. “I didn’t,” he confessed. “I still-”

“You don’t get to say that!” Daryl yelled, raw in a desperate plea and outrage. “You can’t say that after you left us and found your perfect family. You chose her,” He continued, gruff voice soft, almost breathy at the end of his words. “You want a pretty wife. You want that apple pie life. You found what you wanted here. You didn’t have to settle for anything less and you didn’t waste a damn second.”

“I hurt you. I can’t take it back-”

Daryl turned away in anger and kicked a scrap of metal over then paced back to Rick,“Try again, Grimes.”

Rick squeezed his fists. He felt like he couldn't breathe. He knew this was important. He knew every single word and silence meant everything in this moment.

“I was a coward and I was selfish. I wanted her. I did. I abandoned all of you to have her. I neglected my son, our family, and our future.”

For the second time in their history, Rick was genuinely afraid of Daryl. Every inch of his face was unforgiving. The delusional hope he had held onto sank and it was heartbreaking enough that he didn’t feel the rush of pain, only a heavy numbness.

“I lost it. None of you deserved that. I failed you all.” Rick looked down at his hands knowing it was pointless, but he needed to say it. Daryl deserved to hear it. “I know you don’t want to hear it.” Rick said and faced Daryl again. Daryl’s body braced itself, getting ready to shut him up again. Rick swallowed and hoped Daryl would one day forgive him for trying.

“When we were out there-”

“Rick-” Daryl moved to walk away and Rick stepped in front of him, hoping he looked sincere enough that Daryl would listen.

“No, please. Please, Daryl. I need you to know.”

Daryl looked two seconds away from knocking him out until he shook his head and sighed. Rick watched the defeat in his shoulders and knew he was allowed to continue.

“When we were out there...I couldn’t have made it without you. None of us could have. You know what it was like. We didn’t have time to think, to mourn our dead. It was like Lori had said, we were living with a  knife at our throats every second of every day. I forgot how to be a father, a husband. I had one thing on my mind, survival.

But you were always there, picking up my slack, bringing me back every time I lost my way. Supporting me, putting your faith in me even when I was wrong.  You’re the reason I’m still here, that our family had a chance to be here. I needed you. Alexandria didn’t change that.”  

Rick’s heart started to pick up at the sadness in Daryl’s eyes. He wanted to fix it. He wanted to take it all away and never let it come back. He hoped somehow his words would ease his pain in some small way. Then the fire of betrayal and hurt returned to those beautiful eyes and Rick understood he could not heal the harm he had inflicted, any of it. He was now a part of the scars that Daryl had never deserved.

Daryl rushed forward into Rick’s space and grabbed onto his shirt, “Bullshit! What do you call playing house with Jessie? Looking like a damn fool every time she smiled at you? Why did you tell me you kissed her and acted like we were nothing? If I meant anything to you, you wouldn’t have forgotten how much you _needed_ me the second you saw her. I’m not fucking stupid. I was never what you wanted. I don’t get what you’re playing at! What do you want from me?”

Rick grabbed onto Daryl’s hands, not to push him away, but in desperation for him to understand.

“I need you to know the truth. Jessie wasn’t about you. I never stopped needing you. I was scared! I didn’t know it but I was. I am! I let Lori die thinking I didn’t love her...I killed the man who was like a brother to me. I couldn’t look after my children. I failed the most important people in my life. And then there you were. Always doing right by me, and I kept screwing up. I was weak. I didn’t know how to love you.I was afraid you’d end up like them. I was scared of hurting you, and keeping you from being happy, maybe with someone better. _That’_ s all I want for you, to be happy. With or without me.

I pushed you away because Jessie was an easy way out for me. She didn’t know me, know who I became out there. She never got to see me break like you did. It made me feel like I could be better. I could have another chance. I thought I felt stronger around her. I thought I saw a future with her. I thought that was enough to love her. Neither of you deserved that.”

Daryl’s turned his hands in Rick’s hold and gripped his arms painfully before pushing him away. Daryl glared at Rick, eyes running over him with disgust and hatred. “So now what? We kiss and make up? What about Jessie? I become your little side piece and you go home to your perfect family?”

Rick shook his head. He knew Daryl could be spiteful sometimes, especially when he was backed up into a corner, but Rick knew the words that had come out of his mouth were not unfounded. With how he’d been behaving lately, he didn’t fault Daryl for believe such an awful thing of his character. Rick didn’t want to look into the eyes of the man he’d loved and hurt any longer, but he needed to finish it right.

“I broke it off with her. Carl and Judith are back home already. I don’t expect anything from you. I’m not asking you to forgive me. I just wanted you to know.”

Daryl looked at him with disbelief and right as he geared up to say something, already pointing at Rick, Sasha walked by and called over to them.

* * *

Rick didn’t see Daryl again until after the attack and the walls came down. After Jessie and her sons died. After Carl was shot. Like Michonne, Daryl never let Carl out his sight. He was subtle about it at first and easily ignored Rick. Then, as Carl began to walk around more and regained his strength, Daryl became his shadow.

Michonne went on runs with Rick and they settled back into their old friendship. With the chaos that had ensued, Rick’s return to the house had gone untalked about it. Everyone was focused on keeping it together, looking after Carl and Judith, and now Maggie as well.

A week later, Michonne wasn’t at his doorway waiting for him to get ready for their run. Carl’s ball stopped hitting the wall and two familiar boots walked in. Rick stopped buttoning his shirt in shock and slowly looked up at the ripped and worn pants to the vest that confirmed what he was seeing.

Daryl leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. “I asked Michonne to take my shift. I’m coming with you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One year ago today, I wrote this fic after the premier of the episode in which Rick kissed Jessie (BOO). So I got all swept up in it and posted this fic not thinking anything would come of it. It was a short one-shot with a sad ending and I honestly believe not my best writing. But people commented and read it anyway and I was stoked. 
> 
> Then a playlist appeared on the rickyl tag on tumblr, inspired by my fic! And the person who made it was someone who had commented on my fic, and knew the song it was named after. They picked all these amazing songs, some I'd heard, some I hadn't. But they all had something special. Not to mention I actually liked them. And I'm a fucking shit when it comes to music. 
> 
> From there I got to know this person better and long story fucking short, we're writing partners now and have pretty much talked to each other every day since then. That's a really big thing for me. I'm not really that type of person. I'm very fucking thankful for this random fic. I wouldn't have met her without it. I can't imagine this past year without her. 
> 
> So, to my writing partner [take_a_bow06](http://archiveofourown.org/users/take_a_bow06/pseuds/take_a_bow06), thank you so much for enriching my life with amazing music and inspiring me. Life has been much more creative and bearable with you in it. I'm also so very honored to have been introduced to your writing and your fantastic ideas. I never thought I'd meet someone like you and I feel fucking blessed. I can't really express myself like this so I hope the fic does the rest. It's now officially yours :)
> 
> And you should all be thankful for her, because if it wasn't for her I never would have continued this fic. She kept asking and pushing for it. So here it is fuckers. Also we're unleashing the fic we've been working on together for 8 months, tonight. APPRECIATE HER.

**Author's Note:**

> Idk 9 Crimes is one my favorite songs and then that episode happened. So. This happened. Let me get one thing clear though, the only one at wrong is Rick. 
> 
> Rick made the move. Jessie is innocent.


End file.
